Monday, January 26, 2009

The Undies and the Vacuum

I told my husband... I'll admit I whined to my husband... "I want, I need, I MUST have a new vacuum cleaner!"

His usual answer, "With what money?"

Yes, we were newlyweds. Yes, we were broker than Citibank. I hated that stupid vacuum. I really did. I would say, "It sucked!" - but, that's the problem, it didn't suck! Ahhh... such is life. Balancing our wants from our needs. But, thus, here is one perfect time when my imperfection worked to my advantage.

I was vacuuming (a rare sport for me) our ragged, one-bedroom, basement apartment. My "non-sucking" vacuum was humming along as I pushed, prodded, pleaded, and prayed. "Lord," I prayed, "give me strength. Give me victory over this beast."

God answered my prayer in the form of my panties. Not exactly Moses and the burning bush! I was maneuvering the beast behind our king-sized, 1970s-style, funkified water bed when I heard the shriek that was both frightening and freeing.

"Oh crud," I thought, "I killed it!"

I heard even more commotion before I could get the blasted beast turned off. I flipped it over, trying to find the lose piece of yarn (I don't knit) or the spare blade of straw (we didn't have sheep). I could smell a faint scent of something burning, like a wiener past its prime. I quit vacuuming and waited for Steve.

The first thing out of his mouth was, "Did you burn the beans and weenies again?" (Like I said, we were poor, and like I did not say, I was the worst cook ever).

"It's the vacuum," I mumbled. "I can't figure out what's burning."

He took it apart, piece by ugly piece. Up in the hose was a pair of my favorite tiger-print undies. They were ripped, charred, and slightly burned. Ruined!

"You did this on purpose!" he exclaimed.

"Did not!" I retorted.

Well... that day was much like a wedding, when a family loses a son but gains a daughter. Only I lost undies and gained a new vacuum. Fair trade.


  1. Funny stuff. You should submit these posts to a magazine. Then we could get a little extra $$$ for a new appliance for you to vandalize :)

  2. I really laughed out loud! That is a hilarious story... I loved it!!